ladibug21: (Default)
Today was a big day for me. I got my contact. Yes, just one. Normal people need two contacts, but I'm special. I have astigmatism in one lazy, sad, left eye. It was quite intense at the eye doctor. I wasn't nervous earlier this week but when I announced where I was going suddenly heads popped up over the cubicles to begin telling me - "ye old contact wearer horror stories". On the drive over I replayed stories of contacts that got stuck, contacts that flopped out, hot pepper sauce under contacts. Oh, and then there are all of my childhood memories of my mother getting something in her contact while driving. Or GOD FORBID losing a contact while driving. Immediately she would grab whichever kid was sitting next to her in and in an intense, stressed-out voice insist that we being looking for it because; "they cost $3000 dollars each, and WE'RE BROKE".

So there I am with my lovely 11-month pregnant eye doctor who asks me, "are you ready for this?" before wheeling her gigantic self as close as possible to have a look in my eye. "hmmmm, your eyes are really dry aren't they?, she says" I confessed to having stopped taking my allergy medicine because it was making me a homicidal maniac. I thought that she was just going to check my eye out, you know, make sure it was still contact appropriate. Ohhhh no. No no no. She actually had to be the one to put the contact into my eye first. There's nothing like a 250 pound, overly pregnant woman trying to plop a big, wet, toric lens into your eye. I had this uncontrollable reflex where every time she got close to my eye, one leg would kick up. We went through this routine at least five times before it stayed in. Once she got it into my eye I sat sort of like a stunned cat that has been forced into a collar for the first time. I mean, I could see; but at what price? THERE WAS SOMETHING IRRITATING IN MY EYE.

After she decided that the contact fit (Really? It fits? Because it feels like it's too big to me.) I had to go meet with the contact tutor. Apparently, you have to pass a test before they let you out onto the street with them. I had to successfully remove and replace the contact 3 times. There's nothing like someone staring DIRECTLY at you while you try and do this. I broke out in a small sweat and insisted that my eyes were clearly too dry for this and that maybe once was enough. Nuh-uh, nothing doing. She HAD to see me do it, THREE TIMES.
I finally passed my test, was given my contact goodie bag, and went back to the office. When I walked in, the receptionists immediately wanted to know how it went and I told them it was fine, fine. Just slightly awful. The FedEx guy just happened to be picking up at the same time. This is a man who makes it his mission in life to tease me every day because I'm always running up at 4:00 pm and 2 seconds to drop off one last package. When he found out I only needed one contact he looked at me, bust out laughing, and dubbed me "Left Eye" on the spot. I have a new nickname.

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ladibug21

March 2009

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