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I woke up feeling extremely overheated in Cutie's bed this morning. Last night she brought one of her family's cats (I think they have five, I'm not sure) to live with her. The cat has four names - Kiki, Connie, Twiggy, Psyche, and I call her Pippen. Don't ask me why. She's a an incredibly sweet and sociable cat and seems to enjoy humans and not other cats. She slept on us the entire night. So I woke up with Cutie - the human radiator next me, a thick comforter, and K/C/T/P on me. It was too hot.

The weather is being weird too. It's hot out, maybe 80 degrees and muggy. It is also overcast. I feel like the only thing that sounds good is swimming outside. My head feels fuzzy and foggy and sort of confused. I feel this sort of strange heaviness that I've felt off and on lately. I feel like for the most part, this is a happy and positive time in my life (despite feeling weird today). I feel like I've made choices that have been good for me and needed to happen. Unfortunately, it doesn't always coincide with happy times in everyone else's life. I don't expect that everyone in my life has the same mind-frame that I do right now, but I DO expect that I'm not punished for it. I should be able to talk about what makes me happy and excited to be living without having some sort of negative ick pushed back on me.
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Today was one of those depressing cancer patient days. So many sick people today. It seemed like all of them were young too. As in, under 40. That's hardest to see. It's not so much the patients that upset me so much, it's whoever is with the patients that upsets me. They are the ones with the weight of the world on their shoulders, carrying piles of paperwork, wheeling the oxygen around, asking all the questions. Most of the patients look sort of dazed and bored and tired of the whole routine. Chemo has to be the worst of all. There's nothing like routinely going in to have poison injected into yourself only to know you'll be violently ill the next day.
Fortunately for me it's only once or twice a month I'm around the clinic very much. Maybe that actually makes it worse. That it's not part of my every day reality.
It's getting sunnier and sunnier here in Seattle. It seems like the past two weeks have been the same weather pattern. Cold in the morning but then 65 degrees in the afternoon with a breeze (not a very friendly one). I like this weather and I'm not REALLY complaining, but I think we need some rain to wash away some of the gunk that's built up.
I'm exhausted tonight and I'm not sure why. I didn't get up until 7:20 (I know, sooo lazy) today. Maybe it was all the running around in the clinic. Or maybe biking to work is more work than I realize.

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ladibug21

March 2009

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