ladibug21

Ugh. and double ugh.

While parking my car this evening I accidentally scraped the car in front of me on the bumper. Normally, if it's just a bumper and there's no damage, I'd just drive away; but it looked like there was a good scrape on one of the more plasticy parts of the bumper. The parking space was obviously far too small for even my little car to fit into. I started searching around for a pen and could not find one anywhere. Not in my bag, not in the glovebox, nowhere. I was feeling kind of stressed and this GIANT child molester van pulled up behind me. I was on a street I'm not particularly fond of due to it's narrow width. I had to move so the creepy van could get by. I went and found another parking space then ran home to get a pen and paper. I went back to leave a note on the car and either they already moved it, there was no scratch and I'm just seeing things, or they're out hunting for red cars and revenge. Either way I feel bad. Good reason to keep a pen in your car. Sigh.

I saw a naturopathic doctor who specializes in physical medicine yesterday. Basically a ND/physical therapist. I feel like I'm finally taking good steps towards healing my back, or at least making it feel better. He did a full and thorough assessment and found it alarming that it's been hurting for 5 years and no one has yet taken an x-ray or MRI. I think part of it is that I hurt it when I was 25. I never sought proper medical care back then because I was young and dumb and when I finally did, I didn't see the right person. I'm getting x-rays next week and possibly more tests depending on what the x-rays show. He also did some manipulation during the appointment, including my neck and chest which was fairly terrifying. You know how on TV and in movies they show someone getting their neck adjusted and it's this rapid jerk of the neck to one side, followed by a loud CRACK? That's exactly how it was. Except I was positioned on a long table and I had my eyes closed. It took a lot of concentration for me to just take a deep breath and trust that this man was not going to make me a quadriplegic. He managed to do both sides of my neck successfully and it actually felt kind of good once the terror wore off. He also cracked my chest which was also unnerving. He had me sit up, legs forward, and arms across my chest. Then I gently laid back down on the table with my chin tucked in. He then did some kind of ninja PT move and thrust a ton of weight on my chest. It popped all of of ribs back into place. At least that's how it felt. It felt really good after that. I was glad it didn't knock the wind out of me or make my heart feel funny. Obviously he's an expert. He seems to be very enthusiastic about helping me. I think he could tell, based on the 10 million other appointments I've had, the number of people I've seen, and the frustration in my voice; that I'm ready to get better.

My boss is off all of next week and I'm a bit nervous. She has me on her voice mail and email as the "go-to" person which is fine and flattering, but I'm sooo scared. I've only been there a month! The only person I can go to during this time with questions is the big scientist leading the study and he's hardly ever in his office and I feel funny bothering him with anything. Hopefully all will go smoothly. I'm a good troubleshooter and I think I can handle it. If not I'm just going to shut my office door and hide under my desk.

My boss popped her head in my office at 3:45 in the afternoon and said "Why don't you call it a day? It's so quiet and boring here right now."
I couldn't believe it. After my last job, I just felt so SPECIAL. Especially since I was doing one of those tasks you do at the end of the day when you've finished everything else.

Today was my first day at my new job. All in all, it was a good day. I was tired all day which didn't help my comprehension at all. I forgot how exhausting starting a new job is. All that remembering. There is so much new information. It's ALL important too. In general, things are MUCH calmer, quieter, and kinder. I can just tell the stress level is different. The stress is more of an academic -'striving for success and perfection' than blaming type stress of working in a clinical setting. I feel like I will want to be successful in my new job because I feel like the study is important. Whereas in my old job, I had no real motivation to do a good job (even though I DID do an excellent job) because there was no positive feedback (EVER) and there was no reward for doing a good job. I never got to see the outcome for the patient, or hear what a positive experience it was for them.

It's so hard to tell from my first day how things will go. I work with mostly women still, but they are a different kind of women. I am the "baby" of the group which I can tell is going to make them all mother me. Including my boss. I suppose that's fine. It's a constant theme in my life and I'm used to it. Yes, I wear a helmet when I bike. Yesssss, I always wear sunscreen. Yessss, I brought a lunch to work.

I met the principal research scientist today and liked him immediately which is a good sign. My boss had nothing but gushing things to say about him, which is refreshing. She said he's the nicest scientist she's met, so I'm relieved. He said he was impressed with my resume. Well, la-te-daa to that. So am I.

Cutie came over last night kind of late and was both exhausted and hungry I could tell. I fed her quesadillas with peppers and onions, nudged her into the shower and tucked her into my bed. I guess I kind of like to mother people too. I can't help it. I was trained that way.

I'm glad tomorrow is Friday. This week has been exhausting. I highly recommend not starting a new job in the middle of the week with no break from your old job. Bad idea.

I have two days left in my current job. It's still kind of hard to believe. I feel exhausted when I think about the fact that I'm again starting another new job. You know how some people bounce around from relationship to relationship? That's how I am with jobs apparently. I'd rather it was my job than my relationships.

The temp and I ran out of stuff to do today and the last half hour was agonizingly boring. I sent out a call for help asking for work from anyone and everyone tomorrow. Unfortunately we are strongly discouraged from surfing the web when there's nothing to do, but instead are expected to continuously ask our coworkers for work to do, to the point at which it becomes annoying to them. Reason number 980981239021398 that I'm glad to be leaving.

Big BIG boss also asked for 10 minutes of my time today. She wants to speak to me before I leave. I can only imagine what that's about. I'm already dreading it. I will only be honest with her. Definitely not mean, or angry, but honest. Hopefully she just wants to know why I'm leaving.

This weekend was FANNNNNTASTIC. Not only was Cutie home from NY, but it was pride weekend. Unfortunately, she got really sick on Saturday (food poisoning), so we spent a lot of time lying around with me scratching her head and fetching glasses of water and Milk of Magnesia. She felt much better by Saturday night, but by then we were zonked out and didn't get to do any of the party-partying. It was OK because we still made it to the parade on Sunday. I feel like the parade was kind of a letdown. It felt too big, along too much of a stretch. I didn't feel that usualy camaraderie that happens at pride. I guess there's something missing by not having it on Broadway. I know there are many more reasons to NOT have it on Broadway, but it felt a little sad and lonely. It was strange to have all these tourists walking by who have no idea what is going on. It was also COLD. I'm used to being a little sunburned and a little drunk at pride. I also confess I was wondering where all of my friends were.

I think I'm a little stressed about starting my new job on Thursday. I KNOW I am actually. I've had a headache all day and I had one all day on Friday until exactly 5:01pm. I think I'll feel better once I get through Wednesday and am done with training the temp and stressing out about finding stuff for her to do all day. That's actually far more stressful.

Cutie lowers my blood pressure. If I just think of her, I feel better.

( Don't you love it when this happens? )

Today was kind of a blah day. I haven't had a blah day in awhile so I guess I'm overdue. I feel especially fat right now since Gym and I had our big breakup. I'm thinking about going tomorrow morning. I think part of the reason I feel so blah is that my exercise regimen is all screwy since I started dating Cutie. I think I need to start going to the gym more regularly until I get this whole swim team thing sorted out.

My boss emailed me to tell me that they have a temp coming on Wednesday to replace me. I guess I'm training her for a week. I feel like this is too long and I surely will go crazy near the end. I just REALLY hope she's tolerable unlike the last temp we had come in. I hope my last week at my job isn't miserable.

I did have a nice walk home from work today. Walking home from work is really one of the highlights of my days these days. It has been since college that I've been able to walk to and from work. I love putting my ipod on and walking out the door. It's really enjoyable and it's at least two miles a day that I'm walking. Even if I don't have time for the gym at least I'm doing that. I guess I walk about 2 times a week and bike the other days.

I also made myself a nice yummy lunch for tomorrow. I'm having an egg salad sandwich and a salad with mixed greens, cucumber, carrot, peppers, and cheese. Oh, and Goddess Dressing of COURSE.

Cutie text messaged me to tell me that she got to hold hands with Amanda Palmer at the True Colors concer today. :/ It's allowable since she's on "the list". My list includes such famous people as - Tilda Swinton, Carrie Brownstein, Wayne Coyne to name a few.

I finally saw my GP today about the suspicious spot on my shoulder and she seemed only mildly concerned, which is a huge relief. She gave me the choice of biopsying it today or waiting another very watchful 2-3 months to see if it changes. I decided to wait on it. Especially since I've got someone else who can regularly check it for me too. ;) I'm not a fan of the punch biopsy. It's really painful, despite what anyone says. The location of this spot (right on the back of my shoulder bone) would cause for slow healing and a lot of pain. I'm going to try and manifest it into a normal mole.

I have a cold. A mild one, but it's annoying enough to make me ultra-crabby at work. Everyone was annoying me this afternoon. I felt like the all waited until 2:30 to ask for what they needed. And they needed it RIGHT NOW.

I had a peanut butter banana smoothie at lunch which temporarily calmed me, but then I was cranky once I got back to the office again. I highly recommend the peanut butter banana smoothie at World Wrapps if you ever go there. I know, it doesn't sound good, but if you like peanut butter...

I'm going to take a nice long bubbly bubble bath. Then I'm going to eat a big burrito with black beans, rice, cheese, salsa, onions, lettuce, and sour cream. My stomach is fine fortunately. Then I'm going to read my book, write in my journal and generally do nothing.

I don't think I'll see the gf tonight. I need at least one night off here or there. It's completely tempting to invite her over, and I know she'll say yes. And she might even be in my neighborhood tonight, but I feel like I should resist. If she comes over I'll end up horizontal, but not resting. I need to rest.

Dear friend and coworker,

I know you have some esteem issues. You do not like your body. You feel friendless, lonely, and alone at times lately. Even through your extreme depression I can see that you are an amazing person with a great deal to offer the world. You are not ugly even though you think you are, you are very funny, and you are whip smart. However, there are days when your esteem issues cause you to lash out at those around you. Namely me. I realize that you are very serious about weight loss and getting in shape and strive to be a size four by summer's end. I congratulate you on your efforts. But I wish you wouldn't compare me to you. I know that our bodies are very similar in size, but I do not have the aspirations to be a size four. I spent many years hating my body and cursing my round hips and bottom. I got over it. I love my body, my booty, my hips, my pale skin, my blonde hair. I have big, strong, muscles. I can swim and bike better than most lay people. I am not weak. I had to work hard to love myself first and then I realized I came in a nice package too. I don't want to be a four and it's really not a realistic aspiration when you've been a 10 or bigger since you were 12. Please stop commenting on what I'm eating and calculating how long it has been since I've been to the gym. Leave your judgments to yourself.

Dear Doctor,

I know that by working with cancer patients you are a very important person, but did you know that you're no more important than anyone else? Yep, that's right. I'm just as important as you, so is the homeless guy that shits in our bathroom, and the lady that made your sandwich at lunch today, and the women that clean our office. It's shocking huh? Just because you went through medical school DOESN'T MAKE YOU GOD. Nor does it give you the right to speak to me so condescendingly, so rudly, so brashly to me in front of three other people.

I tried to go for a bike ride tonight. I haven't ridden Ruby, my zippy racing bike in awhile. I honestly don't think I've ridden that bike since last October. I've just been riding my beater bike to work and back. I forgot that there's actual SKILL involved in riding Ruby. Clipping and unclipping myself from the pedals, shifting without messing up the gears, and braking without killing myself. I picked an annoying time of day and a bad route for a bike ride. There was a ton of traffic, pedestrians, and other bikers. Lame ass hipster bikers on single tracks with no helmet and no ability to climb a hill to save their life. I know it's REALLY HARD to unclip while you're at a red light, but if circling around and balancing yourself on your bike is going to endanger me; then you should consider putting one foot down. Stupid hipster bikers.

I have not been to the gym in two weeks. Maybe once. It's time to get back there. That's a LONG TIME for me. I'm starting to feel really antsy. My schedule has changed though. I've decided I can't do the early morning thing through the summer. I'm not sure if I will take a break from the gym to do masters swimming or not. It's about the same price as the gym, but I kind of want to have the option of both. Decisions, decisions...

I also need to find a better bike route off of The Big Gay Hill for long bike rides.

I have a recruiter at work helping me to find a new position at work. I am really excited about the possibilities. I've been thinking about exactly what I'd like to do. I tried to verbalize it all in an email. She asked me what I was ideally looking for and I was really honest. I only put in one sentence about what I don't want. I try to stay away from saying what I don't want.

Someday maybe NSF will go for a bike ride with me. I think she's scared to bike with me. Everyone is scared to bike with me. I'm really not that fast. Really.

This morning I was so crabby I opted to be quiet rather than lash out at an unsuspecting coworker. I had my ipod on and managed to get through as much work as possible before our never-ending-staff-meeting-from-hell. My favorite coworker and cube-neighbor asked me at around 10:30 if I was feeling OK. I wasn't TALKING enough. I don't think anyone has ever, EVER told me I wasn't talking enough. I mean, I thought my name until I was 10 was "motormouth". (ok, I didn't, but I DID think it was Christabel And instead of Christabel Ann)

I started getting cramps after lunch and that clued me into the crabbiness. I'm feeling much, much nicer now.

I tried to put a load of laundry in to wash my favorite jeans but someone is hogging the machines. I NEED those jeans for date #2 tomorrow night. They would be fine but some drunken fool spilled beer all over me last weekend and I'm not going out with beer-stench on me. I suppose it doesn't matter what jeans I wear. Sigh. I could just wear my other, less well-fitting jeans. It's all about what's inside right?